make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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