wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
