Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
