No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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