every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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