last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
