dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I forgot how hot balto sounded
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
