I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
