Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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