I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
