I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
