Pappa wants mamma naked
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
