and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
