about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
