How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
