She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
