just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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