Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
