NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
