No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
