tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
