I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
