hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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