Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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