I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
