Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
