I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
