textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
