Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
