She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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