I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
