Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
