Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
