Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
