now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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