No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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