ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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