Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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