Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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