FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
