I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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