Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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