i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
