I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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