I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
