Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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