she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The Olympian is in my bed
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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