mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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