Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
