My Higher Power is John Stamos
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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