just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
