Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
