Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
