I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
