I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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