absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
