yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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