I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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