hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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