I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
