She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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