What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Randomize
