u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
